Lauren's Tips for Navigating School Friendships

“What happens to your summer friend when you go back to school? So many of my students worried about navigating the tricky parts of friendship upon the return to the school year. Many of their parents worried too! At many “back to school nights” parents spoke to me in worried tones about how their kiddo used to play with one particular student, but now— gasp!— she has a different group of friends. Or two children who used to be best friends now don’t play much with each other at recess. “What’s going on?” they’d ask. 

The answer was tricky to explain, because childhood friendships can be so tricky! 

I wished there were more stories for children (and their parents) that captured the nuances of school friendships. And, with that, the idea for “Friend Freeze” was born. 

Different Kinds of Friendships

We all have friends in different contexts, like a work buddy or school buddy, and sometimes they overlap, and grow the friendship, and sometimes they remain localized in the context in which they emerged. It doesn’t mean those friendships are any less valued, and it allows us to have many friends in different contexts, like sports, games, and other activities. Having a summer friend with whom you eat popsicles and go to the beach is great, and you still can have a friend to fly kites with in the fall, or go sledding with in the winter. 

Other times, while it’s great to have a best buddy (I definitely know, as one of my best friends and I have been close for decades!), it’s also really special to make new connections and meet new friends. Meeting new people, and discovering others with shared interests and values helps you grow, and encourages you to try on new things that might be a fit for you. Kiddos are doing this constantly, so it makes sense that their friendships are just as mutable. They might be thick as thieves with one friend one week, then close with another the next.

Friendship Dynamics in “Friend Freeze”

The main character in “Friend Freeze” is summer friends with Jasmine, but when she goes back to school and sees Jasmine playing with others, she thinks it means she is being left behind. Jasmine’s simple exploration of new friends becomes something our main character worries about, and then becomes sad and mad over. Her world freezes over, and becomes monochromatic in her attempt to cling to exclusivity. 

Jasmine still wants to play with our main character through all the seasons, and when she opens up to letting all the colors of life in (just as Jasmine offers her a bunch of different vibrant crayons to liven up her monochromatic drawing), she sees that having new connections and friends doesn’t mean the old ones are left behind. Our illustrator, Claire Tsuruga, captured this beautifully in the final images of the classroom crayon scene, as well as the transition from single flavor popsicles the girls enjoy at the beginning to the eclectic, vibrant, and varied different-colored popsicles framing the story at the end.

I hope this story helps the kiddos in your life navigate the transition back to school, making new connections, keeping old friendships, and stretching ourselves to learn and grow. 

With love,
Lauren

Lauren’s tips on how to navigate school friendships:

1. Listen to “Friend Freeze” together and see if there’s any part of the story that especially resonates with your child. 
   
   Does your child feel more like our main character, or more like Jasmine, who plays with lots of different connections and maybe doesn’t at first understand her friend's big feelings around their friendship? Using stories is a great non-confrontational way to get a conversation going!

2. Have a conversation with your child about friendships, to see where they stand. 
   
   You can ask a direct question like: “who did you play with at recess today?“ as it’s usually helpful for kids to have a direct question to answer. From there you can see whether they’re reaching out and playing with other kids, or keeping more to themselves. It’s ok to not play with others all the time, but it is important to have some meaningful connections and friendships to help them grow.
   
   If your child expresses frustration that a friend they played with before isn’t playing with them at every recess, or even as often, give them space to express their feelings. You can let them know it’s normal to be frustrated, and friendships can be tricky! You can also have a conversation where you highlight that there are different kinds of friendships, and might use some of your own as models. 

3. Talk to your child about making “a new connection,” or asking to play with a person outside their circle who they haven’t played with before to stretch themselves and grow.
   
   In “Friend Freeze,” Jasmine makes some “new connections,” such as asking Yuna to be her snack buddy, and picking Leo when playing duck-duck-goose. Encourage your child to make a new connection by asking a direct question, such as if your child loves playing on the slide, they can ask that friend to play on the slide with them at snack recess. Keep it simple and finite. After all, it’s just an invitation to try on something new.
   
   Let your child know it is ok for a new connection to decline the offer, too. After all, it’s new, and new things are different and not always easy for everyone! There are lots of other new connections to make, and sometimes “no” can mean “not right now.” 
   

4. If your child has trouble reaching out on their own, don’t give up! 
   
   Reaching out to make new connections is a skill that we learn and develop throughout life. It’s still tricky for adults! Give your child some time. If it still proves tricky after a while, you can ask your child’s teacher if there are some children in the class or grade who are open to making new friendships and might be a good match for your child.
   

We hope these tips, and “Friend Freeze,” help you and your child make and keep some terrific new friendships, and grow some old ones too!

If you have questions or ideas for other stories about tricky school and friendship situations, we’d love to hear from you! Send me a message at [email protected]